Displaced Anger

     As a preface of spring, today my post will be a little bit different.

     It was a beautiful Sunday and we had incredible weather for March; warm, sunny, with the promise of spring is the gentle breeze.  It was the type of day that you cannot help but feel happy.  I was doing errands with my daughter in preparation for her trip to Israel and we popped into CVS for some travel toiletries.  On the way out, I crossed the small parking lot to my car.  To preface this, my car was parked front end in, against a small curb on the side of a grassy area that ran parallel to a secondary road, albeit labeled Route 135W. 

     As I backed out, I heard this horrific honking.  I looked around…no one was behind me.  I wasn’t blocking anyone.  I was pulling into the correct traffic placement for this small lot, on the right hand side, preparing to drive to the exit.  In front of me was a car, in my lane, however it was facing me.  Traveling in that direction, that car rightfully should have been parallel to me in the lane to my left.  Behind the wheel was a fairly young looking man – perhaps about 30.  Leaning on his horn, he grabbed the handicapped sign that hung to his window and began shaking it.  OK – he was handicapped.  But as far as I knew, a handicapped sign gives you permission to park in the handicapped spaces.  It doesn’t give you permission to have fantasies of driving on the opposite side of the road, pretending you are in London.  Nor does it give you permission for unnecessary rudeness.  And he’s honking his horn and shaking this sign and yelling.  Hmmm…WTF???   

     Still, I couldn’t be mean to this poor delusional man, confused as to the meaning of his handicapped sign.  So, I “illegally” pulled to the left lane and blew him a kiss before driving off.  OK – perhaps it was a little antagonistic, seeing the unexplained rage he was putting out…but it defused any anger he may have provoked with his unreasonable display of temper.  And maybe he would contemplate it later and be grateful that someone blew him kisses instead of blowing him off with a well displayed finger.  

Get A Life, You Stalker - ‘Cause You Can’t Have Mine

Stalking??  I mean, really???  For over 16 years??  He didn’t show this much fascination with me when we were married….so why now?  The life a narcissist…..they just cannot wrap their head around how someone could not want them.   My ex is the consummate narcissist – in fact, I truly believe if you look up the word “narcissist” in the dictionary – you will see his picture.  

During our marriage, he was in constant search of replenishing his narcissistic supply….i.e. looking for other women.  Perhaps they were more suggestible, or more willing to stroke his ego, as he only revealed his charm.  But they weren’t his wife…the mother of his children, the one he was legally committed to and the one who eventually threw him out of his bed and home.

As with personality disorders, they sometimes merge.  It’s call comorbidity.  It this particular case, my ex’s narcissism merged with anti-social personality disorder; and often referred to as a sociopathic narcissist.  It’s a frightening amalgamation of two highly destructive conditions. It can cause a mere stalker to seek more vengeance than just knowledge of what is going on in the life of the one who rejected him.

But how much energy can one put into focusing on someone else’s life?  After 16 years, why hasn’t the stalking and harassment ended?  What is the goal of this narcissistic sociopath??   Many lie awake in fear of the next move but I couldn’t just waste time, thinking of him thinking of me.  I live my life and consider his stalking and harassment, just a little bump in the road, as I live my life with gusto, except for that pesky little irritating mosquito of a man.  It takes a little bit of savvy awareness to avoid getting stung…but after that, the feeling is just to swat this annoyance away.  

My favorite music group is the Beatles.  One of their lesser known pieces is the perfect anthem for the pathetically empty shell of a man who cannot get his own life because he only wants the life of the one who he has lost.       

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukWRRNqMAZ4

With thanks to Lennon/McCartney

I'm a loser, I'm a loser, And I'm not what I appear to be

Of all the love I have won, and have lost;  There is one love I should never have crossed
She was a girl in a million my friend; I should have known she would win in the end

I'm a loser; And I lost someone who's near to me
I'm a loser ; And I'm not what I appear to be

Although I laugh and I act like a clown; Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown
My tears are falling like rain from the sky; Is it for her or myself that I cry?

I'm a loser; And I lost someone who's near to me
I'm a loser; And I'm not what I appear to be

What have I done to deserve such a fate?; I realize I have left it too late
And so it's true pride comes before a fall; I'm telling you so that you won't lose all

I'm a loser; And I lost someone who's near to me
I'm a loser; And I'm not what I appear to be

The Meaning of the Blog Title

As there seemingly is a reason for everything, there is an explanation on why my blog is titled, “No More Fearful Whispers”.  A synonym for whisper is a rumor.  Terrified is another synonym for fearful.  When you are whispering, there is doubt in your words.  Fearful whispers result in perhaps not even believing what you are saying, as the terror of being discovered is so great.  If you can’t believe your own words, how can anyone else?

While in the throes of an abusive relationship, you live in fear and solitude, unable to utter your secret except some furtive whispers to someone you’ve managed to keep close.  

In my book, “…Until You Die”: The Narcissists’ Promise, there are so many times for whispering…the fear of being discovered for breaking the rules, talking on the telephone, confiding in someone else, the stressful sadness of the situation, the helplessness of being almost being forced into an unwanted abortion…and the brave planning to not allow that to happen.     

A very wise quote from Oprah Winfrey says, "In speaking the words, you release the shame.”   Thus my book; thus my blog.   

And I am most sure that you escape from the control your abuser has tried to maintain as you boldly reclaim your own spirit and fearlessly shout out, “I am a survivor of a batterer!”    

The last time I spoke to the batterer, he asserted, “I never abused you,” uttered randomly over the phone.  Did he read my mind… or just hear the confidence in my voice?  To quote the late John Lennon, “I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me.”  Since a sociopathic narcissist considers his partner property or chattel, and the realization that although he may have had her once; ultimately she left him…and that drains his narcissistic supply no matter how vehement his denying declarations may be, agonizingly confirming that yes indeed, this bird has flown.

So boldly proclaim yourself as a SURVIVOR.  Never call yourself a victim.  There is no need to fearfully whisper about the abuse you endured…because you are here and you survived.    

LOL

LOL - this wasn't a word or acronym when I was growing up.  Meaning “Laugh Out Loud” was something we just did years ago, and with gusto.  But, LOL has become more than just an acronym used by the youngest to the oldest...even by my 73 year old Uncle when he wants to express amusement.  Not sure if he also uses or is even aware of ROTFLMAO - another acronym that I admit to using...albeit mentally thinking of each word, as it doesn't just roll off my typing fingers as easily as LOL.  But, I've digressed...

What I really wanted to "blog" about is how useful LOL can be in confrontational e-mails or posting.  As a writer, I am very cognizant of creating a post/message/response that can later come up and bite me in my proverbial ass.  I firmly adhere to the old adage, “if you wouldn’t write it and sign it – then don’t say it”.  

Which brings me to my topic, and how three simple letters – LOL – quelled intense anger and a gut wrenching ache to carve some vile verbiage as an answer to a post entirely capable of growing monstrous rows of butt-biting teeth.  It began with a response to my book promotion on a neighboring state’s facebook page which addressed unfairness in the family court; however, undisclosed was the routine denial of the existence female victims of domestic violence.  Instead, the general belief was that women were vengeful liars; and any story, documentation, article, picture, announcement, attestation, or death certificate of a female victim held no weight.  Thus, began an unwarranted attack against me, (by a woman!) for my book advertisement; first with false accusations of owning a male-bashing facebook page, then advising against purchasing my book, and finally rapid fire interrogatory.  I took the high road and kindly explained that my book was a case study of someone (yes, a man) with personality disorders (and a disclaimer that the P.D. didn’t have a monopoly on just the male species.)   Despite my non-confrontational attempts, the woman was incapable of ingesting anything other than her programmed agenda of “women lie and men are victims”, as she snidely remarked my polite efforts were merely a “nice try” and advised seeking therapy.  Wow!  I felt some heat (not associated with my “tropical moments”) but I kindly posted my condolences and wished her a nice day.  I've learned that people with unbridled and unfounded anger also have a need to "get in the last word".  So, when Miss CB replied by calling me “defensive” and patronizingly suggested I "needed to confront my feelings”, my blood reached its boiling temperature.   Did it really matter to me who got in the last words?  No – not really. But her haughty remarks, despite my hopes for solidarity on tragedies inflicted on women AND men within an unjust judicial system and defusing a gender war, had me fuming.  Although her remarks weren’t bright or insightful – they were solely meant to encourage anger and the words of a fool were doing just that.  After a few deep cleansing breaths, I realized how ridiculous I found her words and I had to respond, and convey my feelings.  And that's exactly what I did; with a simple LOL and a wink.  

That was 54 hours ago.  Is she too angry to write back?  Has the steam has gone out of her sails.  Maybe she realized that we really are on the same team of fighting judicial injustice.  In truth, I really don’t care…because of part of me, imaging her face after reading LOL ;) ….is ROTFLMAO.

Another view of Protesting Parental Alienation

This morning, while enjoying my coffee and cruising facebook, I notice one of my friends postings.  To preface this, let me say he is not a personal friend.  He is a friend due to a cause.  I never met him.  I can’t remember who friended who, but he is against parental alienation, we have mutual friends acquired due to similar beliefs - - so he’s a facebook friend. This morning, he has posted pictures from a protest.  People are holding signs.  Some of these signs read:  "Parental Alienation Awareness", "Family Courts Are Corrupt", "Kids Needs Both Parents" – all very good messages.  And then there was one sign that read, “Fathers Are Not Wallets – Stop Judicial Extortion.” 

Now I am curious.  I want to know how he feels.  I want to know his reason.  I want to walk a mile…ok –maybe not a whole mile…in his shoes.  Why do fathers feel this way?  What can I do or what can women do in order to prevent more families from being torn apart in family court?  I don’t want to judge him….I just want to know.  How can one support a cause without understanding the motivation?    

The MAN – as I shall call him in this blog, is 11 ½ years older than I am.  He’s not a handsome man.  As you read further, you will understand why I am providing a description.  He’s online and I send him an instant message.  Here is out “conversation” copied directly from facebook instant messenger.

ME:  Hi, I am looking at your postings in regard to the father's protests. Of course, I am aware of this and being on the other side, I am very curious as to what most fathers’ take on this is. I know many of the mom's encroached in custody battles are due to very real abuse & the man's desire to control.

MAN: Hi, Sorry I have a GF Now   (OK – now this is when I begin to think he’s odd.)

ME:          I am not looking for a bf

MAN: OK

ME:          I am trying to learn your stance....I want to know what women are doing and why

MAN: What's you comment or question?

ME:    For me, control is easy (reason to understand why individuals try to alienate children) but you also wonder if there's another motive....i.e. where is the anger? Is it due to the divorce? Who initiates the divorce?

I know this happens on both sides, but in order to understand I want to know what motivates the majority of women alienators.  Could it really be just money? Are women punishing by using the children because their lifestyle changes after a divorce? (I am not saying this with any speculation)

I feel a lot of what is going on is also due to really bad judgments in court and I do support shared parenting.

I am trying to convey my desire to really understand or learn about his battle.  Maybe he’s cautious about telling me…but you can’t win a battle without proclaiming your reasoning.  It may not be the right one…or the popular one…but every protest has a premise.  However……..he didn’t answer. 

Therefore, if you can’t stand up for your beliefs with conviction, then accept your plight.  Maybe some people feel they’re not fighting the right fight, or no good will come of protesting, but you can never know without putting your whole heart and soul into the fight.  

Allowing Parental Alienation...the dirty truth

I just read an article on how courts allow Parental Alienation.  I am not sure if "allow" is the correct word as I find it hard to believe that judges and GAL's (abbreviated Guardian ad Litem - a better definition would be Grossly Absent Logic) are actually lacking the intelligence to agree with a parental "alienator".  They are certainly not utilizing the brain power that enabled them to achieve their advanced degrees.  From everything I've learned and read...the answer is simple.  The decision makers in the courts are relying on their poorly developed instinct to determine who is the parent they "feel" is best suited to have custody of the children.  In Massachusetts, I know several female GAL's who are not thinking...they are feeling...and what they are feeling is an attraction to the narcissistic alienating parent (a man - in this case) who is charming, attractive, and flirtatious.  They are swayed by the possibility due to the sexual vibrations being put out by this man who only wants to seduce the GAL with his sincere speech, penetrating eye contact, and whatever other means to turn an otherwise professional women's thinking into that of a schoolgirl talking to her crush.  And thus the decision is made.  One of these GAL's, aware that this charmer had moved into another woman's house days after he left the marital home, doesn't even bother to investigate further.  She's recommending that the children go live in a house with a strange woman she knows nothing about....who must be qualified, because after all, she's now living with this charmer....and doesn't that make her the best co-parent....and does it really matter that she was having an affair with a married man?  Evidently not, because this is exactly what she is recommending to the judge...that the children live with the charmer and the adulterer. 

The last ironic piece of this is the GAL report.  It makes no sense.  It is filled with contradictions.  Even testimony on the witness stand doesn't support this document.  And the judge even deems the report "slanted".  And this woman is STILL working in our courts.  Why?   

I say fire this woman who is grossly absent of logic, give her a few sex toys and let her live out her fantasies....only not within our courts.

Meeting the Narcissist

DSM criteria of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement
6. is interpersonally exploitative
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

The narcissist can only survive by deriving his/her narcissistic supply from ignorant admirers.  Without that, they are an empy shell.  How awful would life be if your only validation for being worthwhile is when you are receiving the reassurance from someone else?  The narcissist is not unlike a vampire, constantly chasing his life source...by draining the blood from others.  And this is the same thing an abuser does...