Domestic violence is a term heard too often in today's society. Some people still believe they can determine a victim by the bruises on her body. But there is so much more a victim endures. Domestic violence actually can begin with what could be considered control. Sometimes one can confuse control with caring.
Years ago, when I was in college, a group of girls went out. One of the girls in the group had a boyfriend named Michael. She was worried as Michael did not like her to go out. On the drive back to the campus, she expressed her concerns that Michael had called and she wasn’t there. She kept saying, “Michael is going to kill me.” At the time, it sounded so sophisticated, that she was in a relationship with someone who was seemingly so in love with her, he did not want her going out. When we returned to the campus, Michael was there, in his car waiting for her. Wow! We were young, and most of us had not experienced that intense love; and truth be told, we were a little jealous. We were also extremely naïve.
Years later, I too had my own boyfriend. We went out to a nightclub. When I had to use the restroom, he escorted me there and waited. I thought his concern I was safe so was nice. He would interrupt if any man tried to have a conversation with me. Awe…he wanted me all to himself. He told me I could wear certain boots ONLY when I was with him. He was so protective. He told me my wedding gown was too low. Wait a minute….I looked beautiful….. He checked my outfit every morning before I went to work….This was silly…He ripped me dress off as he felt was too provocative…There was nothing revealing about that dress – it was from Saks Fifth Avenue for God’s sake! He threw me outside in my underwear if I didn’t close the shades….WTF! I wasn’t standing in front of the window. He checked the phone records to see who I spoke to when he wasn’t there….wait a minute – isn’t he conversing with ex-girlfriends? And on and on until it escalated into controlling of everything, including money – I had no access to cash, credit cards, checking account, bank account, isolation, physical abuse, sexual abuse……And I didn’t know I was a victim of domestic violence until the day I was at the library and saw these 2 charts – one showing he exact pattern, which I would subconsciously think when things were good – waiting for the next explosion….however I didn’t know it was a cycle of abuse.
This same pattern occurs in teenage relationships. It’s so easy to mistake this sense of concern with great love, when it’s really the seedlings of abuse. If you see this pattern, leave the relationship. If you know someone experiencing this, share this information. Call the domestic violence hotline. Make an escape plan. The police have cell phones you can use if (s)he checks your phone.
Recently, I said to someone, “I don’t know what I am going to do tonight.” He told me, “You can do whatever you want.” What an awesome feeling to be able to make your own decisions without someone controlling your every move! Personal freedom is your constitutional right! Speak out against domestic violence!
