Norfolk Probate Court

Traveling east on a secondary road in Dedham, Massachusetts, one is treated to a tree lined street framing beautiful old Victorian homes.  Even at the traffic lights, a sign of a entering a commercial area, the appearance of a court house on the left is majestic.  The probate court house of Norfolk County, architecturally magnificent, stands as a symbol of justice.  Many believe that the building serves as a haven, a sanctuary for those seeking protection from abuse, and end to an unhappy marriage.  Walking into hallowed halls, high ceilings, and marble floors almost demands whispers, voices softly encouraging and comforting those enduring an emotional life transition.  But in contrast, the echoes in these halls are an agonizing amplification of the injustices in the court rooms.  Equally picturesque, the dark wooded courtrooms, with intricate detail, are the mask of what is actually a torture chamber, with judges freely stamping their gavel on decisions with the intensity to crush families. 

The well utilized basement area of the courthouse looks more like a prison holding area, where everyone waits for their cell assignment.  It’s dark and crowded with limited seating.  It’s an agonizing wait as couples are called into the small rooms with the hopes of coming to an agreement to bring in front of a judge and expedite the process.  The first time I stood there, I heard conversation around me.  Once woman was stating she had been coming to that courthouse for 17 years.  I couldn’t imagine the reason.  In my mind, you go to court, arrange the common visitation schedule – every other weekend, one weeknight – and an amount for child support.  Simple, easy and quick.  My naïveté was due to my idealistic belief that people respect what the court stands for; truth and justice.  Lying in court, or perjury, is only committed by seasoned criminals.  Sadly, I was mistaken. 

Prior to going to court, my abusive ex told me he was warned by his family that I was going to accuse him of sexually abusing the children.  To me, that was not only shocking, but ridiculous.  You don’t lie in court.  You don’t make fraudulent accusations.  What I had to relate about my ex’s vile behavior was enough – I didn’t need to fabricate anything.  But he did…..and the court allowed it. 

One court worker was enamored, finding my ex so compelling, she loudly related her empathy to his latest fabricate complaint to another court worker. When I boldly interrupted her, she merely replied, “Well, that’s what he said.”  And I retorted, “Considering the source, you should know it’s a lie.”  There are many positions which demand discretion.  Information is respected privacy and should remain out of earshot to non-staff.  Therefore, how can a court allow their workers to discuss cases, and vocalize their own misguided opinions where anyone can listen?    

Norfolk probate court judges made decisions without hearing the facts from both sides.  How can a Jewish judge believe testimony that children had to go to Hebrew school seven days a week?  How can a judge make a decision on the tearstained photograph of a woman with fingerprints on her neck be anything other than proof of being choked?  How can a judge remove custody from a parent after the same motion was already denied twice?  How can a judge sleep peacefully at night, after destroying the lives of innocent children?

The only thing missing from the pictures of the Norfolk probate courthouse, are the mothers who gathered outside, sobbing after a judge removed her children from her care, merely because her abusive ex displayed the calm demeanor often seen in a sociopath, while she showed emotion at the thought she was going to lose what she loved most.  And the court, offering the same lack of empathy as the narcissistic sociopath, with unconscionable ruling, did as she feared most.

The probate court has since moved to an industrial area in an antiseptic brick building.  Have the demons that once lived in the imposing structure followed along?  Well, that’s not my story to write.  By the time I had to utilize the services there, I was much more savvy in the ways of the court.  I did not need an attorney, because I could represent myself.  I was no longer intimidated by the unethical attorney I faced, and found ways to get around her objections; by testifying to evidence she was afraid to allow me to submit, for it proved the trail of injustices allowed in my case.  I was finally able to stand up and tell the judge I refused anymore abuse by my ex, his attorney and the Norfolk Probate court. And after years of battle, my case was closed, and I felt as if I had won.  I did not win the deserved custody, as my children were almost grown, but I won the freedom from my abusive ex, and the freedom of facing false accusations in that court. 

But in attaining freedom, and access to children gave my ex carte blanche to do whatever he desired; to manipulate, to degrade and to destroy, and control his children – their thoughts and deeds, in the way he wanted.  And that’s what he desired most….his own freedom to continue his abuse away from the eyes of those who judge….because someday he knew, they may not be judging in his favor.  

An Uncanny Resemblance

When I became a mother, my diligence to my son’s daily care was just as significant as the extras I provided.  My innate awareness grew from my intense love which meant putting his needs before my own.  From my first days of motherhood, I thought of making each day special and began with daily walks in the fresh air.  As years went by, I incorporated activities for my three children by daily outings of visits to parks and playgrounds or playing in the leaves and or snow in our yard.  I was a mom who happily endured the cold to create snowmen even if the children opted to gleefully watch from the warmth of the house.  Their happiness was my happiness.   

During my separation from their father, I maintained our lifestyle.  My children barely reacted as they were used to his lengthy absences.  However, my routine had changed and sometimes I utilized the help of a babysitter, for a job interview or work, and occasional socializing, which I intended to keep from my children.  But sometimes when you least expect it….    

…To digress to a summer dinner at my house with several friends, and an unexpected addition of someone new, young and very cute. Undeniable mutual attraction, including my older son captivated by this kind and gentle man enthusiastically playing catch  in the yard, something never experienced with his own father. The next month, I reconciled with my ex, and informed my son his father was moving home.  With tears in his eyes, he expressed his preference for this new man instead of his father, apparently favoring a willing and doting “father figure” rather than his own, sensing his indifference and infrequent appearances in the family home. 

But, a divorce was inevitable, and I steadfastly maintained propriety, keeping my social life away from my home.  It was important for my children to be excluded from this, yet it served as an important process in my own healing as I began to discover men who did not believe the world centered around them. 

But, my ex rushed the children to his girlfriend’s house, calling her fiancé and her teenaged daughters “stepsisters”.  Although he had been dating her during our marriage, she was a stranger to my children; yet they were forced to sleep at her house, and share a bedroom with a stranger.    

Never addressed was how these young teenagers reacted to the abrupt intrusion in their lives.  After all, without preparation or introduction, the day after their father moved out, their mother brought an outsider into her home and bed.   Recently I learned that this event stayed with these girls for years, as they expressed their disdain with a comment, “(Mom) never told us about moving (him) into the house.”  I was appalled.     

In 1996, the guardian ad litem suggested my children live with this woman without investigation.  She relied solely on what my ex told her, and never sought to substantiate the information by anyone else, signing her name on a report advising my children live with a woman who clearly thought only of herself, and acted in a way that was anything but motherly. 

Who takes the blame for this?  The charismatic sociopath who masterminded everything, much in the way Charles Manson choreographed the most horrific murders in history?  Or do we punish the puppets?  The ones who obeyed either in stupidity and selfishness as the girlfriend; or with blindness, ignoring the authority they were given yet overlooked their responsibility?  And a huge question still stands of why would someone disregard the job they were paid to do when the lives of three innocent children were at stake? 

The lost children of the Manson family were troubled individuals, looking for acceptance, much in the way of my ex’s girlfriend.  Believing they found someone so special, they would do his bidding without thinking of the legal or moral ramifications.  But one would trust that an educated woman would not routinely allow herself to be charmed enough to ignore the standards of a GAL.  Perhaps her husband, the former judge, isn’t keeping up his end of the bargain and she is seeking a replacement albeit in fantasy?  Still working for the courts, she is guided by that same demon methodically destroying other children, the same way she devastated the lives of my three beautiful children.  

Imagine how many lives would have been saved if the Manson family members refused to do his bidding.  Imagine what it would have been like if the GAL laughed at the allegations of a narcissistic sociopath and did her job correctly.  Her hands would have been clean.  The girlfriend would have been abandoned, as she no longer served her purpose, but her daughters would have been spared of the knowledge that their mother was uncaring and promiscuous. 

Still, I fear my children would not have been reprieved.  Like Charlie, my ex had many resources to accomplish his deed which has been proved over the years.  I fear the fate of my oldest children was tragically sealed on the day I recited my marriage vows. 

Papers

I admit it – I am a paper hoarder.  I keep papers forever.  I have piles of papers around the house that drive my husband crazy.  But, I can’t throw anything away as I feel I may need them for future reference.  Among these papers are obviously my bills, as well as all the conditions that may apply – even though I know I will never read them.  Then I have papers from my daughter’s school and activities; some of these are for current events and some are in the near or far future.  Then I have all my writing papers - copies of articles, reference materials, and ideas for future writing, i.e. addendum material for my book, for my blog, for speaking gigs, or anything else that may occur.  I always want to be prepared, regardless of the fact I was never a boy scout.  However, with all these papers, which I must admit, are in every room in my house, I am anal when it comes to my filing system.  Even my CD collection is carefully alphabetized and arranged by genre.  By my desk, I have three filing drawers and my files are neat, pristine and alphabetized.  I can pull out my birth certificate, or my daughter’s pediatrician forms in a second.  But the piles surrounding my desk are random, scattered and stacked in no specific order.  I know that all I have to do is place them in my carefully arranged files.  But once put away, it’s as if they are gone.  What if something I’ve filed is a potentially great idea or meaningful reference piece?  What if my penchant for “what ifs” is the crux of my problem.?

Knowing that it’s better to get in the habit of periodically pulling files, and perusing my materials instead of searching like a squirrel foraging for something appetizing, I decided to try to organize the chaos.  After all, I will soon be gathering my tax information and I don’t want to miss some possible deductions that I know are floating amongst the heaps.  I grab half reams of papers and shuffle through them, delighted that some of the piles are old documents and forms and no longer needed.  Nothing feels as good as throwing away unneeded papers. Already I see a difference.  I can open my file drawers easily without having to move anything out of the way.  

I have to congratulate my motivation as my diligence to this task has resulted in a pretty good start.  Of course, I have come across bits of information that will make great future blogs, or inspiring facebook postings.  And that becomes new, albeit smaller piles to deal with….perhaps at a later date.  

Newtown, Connecticut

A gunman in Newtown, Connecticut began his murderous rampage on December 14, 2012 by shooting his mother and then going to the Sandy Hook Elementary school and opened fire, killing the principal, teachers and 20 2^nd graders.  When he heard the police arriving, he turned the gun on himself.  At this time, the motive is not known, nor is a psychological diagnosis of the gunman.  It has been reported that the gunman had been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, a disorder linked to autism, but medical experts have stressed it does not explain his violence.  Logically, it makes sense as his car was filled with an arsenal of weapons indicating a well-planned attack.

The breaking of the news story was chilling, and sparked pangs of remembering a similar incident documented in my book, “…Until You Die”: The Narcissist’s Promise when the narcissistic sociopath manipulates his 2nd wife’s aunt to write alarming notes, alleging they were from his ex-wife and mother of his children.  One note read, “If I don’t see my children, everyone will die”.  Another threatened to "go into a school, killing children & myself".  When the aunt’s handwriting was found to be a match to the notes, the Newton, Massachusetts police drove to the house to confront the aunt.  They were met at the door by the narcissistic sociopath, who exuded false empathy, and stated, “She confessed to me and is very upset.  Can you return tomorrow”?  An hour later, the aunt was being rushed by ambulance to the hospital suffering from an overdose of pills.  What is wrong with this story? 

      1.      The aunt never met the ex-wife, yet goes along with the plan to “frame” her? Why?

      2.      The narcissistic sociopath successfully stopped police intervention.  Why?

      3.      The aunt takes an overdose, which halts any further police interrogation. Why?

The parallels between the man in Newtown and the man in Newton are frighteningly similar.  The only difference is that the Newtown man appeared to have some psychological issues and fear when dealing with people, and the man in Newton, clearly a narcissistic sociopath, reveled in attention, as it fed his narcissistic supply.  

•  Both men had thoughts of going into a school and killing children. 
•  The Newtown gunman turned the weapon on himself. 
•  The narcissistic sociopath, in effect, turned the weapon on his ex-wife. 
•  The Newtown gunman planned his act autonomously.
•  The narcissistic sociopath convinced someone else follow his directions.
• The Newtown gunman carried an assault rifle and gun.
•  The narcissistic sociopath’s weapon was an unethical attorney

To society, the Newtown gunman did not appear to be a danger, as he flew beneath the radar.  His illness was undetectable due to his introverted behavior.  The narcissist sociopath had met with judges, guardian ad litem and court workers. His psychological illness was flaunted behind the mask of narcissistic charm, a disguise so convincing, it was able to hide the sociopath’s mind and murderous plans. 

      

We pray for the children in Newtown and the loved ones left behind.  How do we pray for the children who have been victims of ignorant judges, guardian ad litem and court workers?   President Obama plans on taking measures so tragedies like what occurred in Newtown, Connecticut will not happen again.  Who is going to take measures to halt the tragedies happening in our family courts daily when decisions are made that rip children away from loving homes just as savagely as the children in Newtown?  Tonight there are so many parents who share the grief with the families of Newtown, but the sorrow they feel are also from the scabs being ripped off from the never healing painful scars of losing their child in a way that was unfair as well.    

The victims (feel free to add the names of other children victimized by our courts:

Charlotte,Daniel,Olivia,Josephine,Ana,Dylan,Madeleine,Catherine,Chase,Jesse,James,

Grace,Emilie,Jack,Noah,Caroline,Jessica,Avielle,Benjamin,Allison,Seth,Adam,Arielle,Scotty,

Memories Stolen

As my youngest daughter reaches a significant milestone, her questions regarding my experience in “becoming a woman” were met with limited memories.  I remember the year, the season and my best friend’s envy, but most details are vague.  I don’t have my old diaries or pictures as any point of reference.  My daughter is petite with subtle curves, her face still childlike, yet the hint of gorgeous cheekbones, large eyes and full lips are signs of the beautiful woman she will become.  These changes have been well documented and photographed, with her milestones charted to be shared someday with her daughter.    

I kept the same careful records when my first son was born in 1988.  I assembled a detailed chronological photo album.  My ex husband angrily protested my dedication, as he had no interest in maintaining or reminiscing a pictorial diary.  However, eight years later when filed for divorce he confiscated my photo albums of our three children, pictures of my ancestors and relatives, my childhood diary, yearbooks, letters, mementoes, artwork, and my modeling portfolio.  He also stole record albums, and expensive inheritance items from my great uncle. Although the loss of everything was hurtful, I realized “it’s only stuff”, as true memories are etched into my brain, most creating fissures so deep that I will never forget.  I can only attribute his behavior as his desire to punish me for divorcing him. 

Erasing my children’s memories of a loving mother was much more difficult, yet it was a deed he felt had to be done.  He filed false criminal charges and I was denied access to our three children, despite the false accusation had nothing to do with my ability to care for them.  It left me with more than four empty years of not knowing what was going on in their lives.  The void of sadness and unfairness was only quelled by my memories.     

After being exonerated from the fabricated charges, I still had to fight to see my children.  Eventually, I was reunited with three strangers, who had become teenagers during the lost years.  Parts of their memories were unblemished, yet their father had created doubts when he cruelly showed them court documents with the false criminal charges, and told them, “Your mother did something very bad.”  Despite the loving thoughts that may have sustained them during those vacant years, reservations were thrown into their young minds creating confusion of what they really remembered. 

To digress to the thought process of the narcissistic sociopath:  Each positivity in my life was a dagger of defeat for my ex-husband.  Well documented in “…Until You Die”: The Narcissist’s Promise is his pattern of egregious acts punctuating a happy event for me.  Therefore, when I remarried in 2007, it was the trigger he needed to build upon the series of maternal negativity he had been creating for years.  And this time it had to be final.

I will never forget, as my memories are based on truth I experienced myself, not horror stories fed to me since childhood.  Although I have three adult children, I am still learning about raising a teenager, as that opportunity was taken from me.  All I can do is share with her anything I can remember myself, or by talking to old friends.  We will learn along the way, and create our own set of memories from the reality we share.   

Forgiveness?

I read this today on facebook.  “Forgiveness Friday.  Forgive someone today.”   Well, it is Friday, and the thought is lovely.  However, where do you draw the line to forgiveness and to never forgive?  The synonyms for forgiveness are excuse, pardon, exonerate and let off.  The first three sound like legalize.  The latter term really means “let off the hook”.  It sounds like the person who was caught speeding, “I was stopped for speeding but he let me off the hook with a warning.”  It’s a minor crime that is overlooked.  It’s a one time event was made in error or with bad judgment.  So, with forgiveness, there is moving forward from the incident and having a fresh start.  The person won’t speed again, or won’t reveal a secret, or won’t ignore a friend at a party.  For they have been let off the hook…they have been forgiven.

Never forgiving doesn’t have to mean keeping an anger burning inside.  Never forgiving doesn’t mean hating that person either.  Hate is an active feeling.  It drains energy.  It churns the poison in your own being, and that’s self destructive. Never forgiving is disregarding someone, or labeling them as insignificant and not worth your while, which is far healthier to yourself, as far more upsetting to the one who’s done you an injustice.

We often hear about the death of a young person, and how the parent’s forgive their child’s killer.  We’ve seen the interaction on many television talk shows.  The perpetrator appears humble in requesting forgiveness.  They show remorse for their deed, as well as tremendous guilt.     Everyone involved still bears the pain in their heart, but they are able to move past the pain. 

But what about the narcissistic sociopath who cannot show pain, remorse, empathy or guilt.  What about the individual who continues to perpetrate the crime?  Can the children they damage ever be fixed?  They were purposefully hurt many times, for many years – it was no accident.  How can forgiveness be given to that individual, regardless of the fact that today is “Forgiveness Friday”?

Therefore, in lieu of “Forgiveness Friday”, I live by my own “Good Deed Day”, every day of the week.  I try to do something nice for a stranger everyday.  It may be as insignificant as letting someone cut into the traffic in front of your car, or getting a bottle of the top shelf in a market they were unable to reach.  Today, there was a young man sitting on the cold ground outside of the supermarket.  He was asking for spare change and I gave him a dollar.  I will continue with my daily good deeds.  I will continue to forgive people any day of the week.  But I will never forgive the narcissistic sociopath for the damage he’s done to my children, nor will I give him the energy of hatred….as his own self hatred has created an insignificant creature….and I have better things to do with my time.   

Double Jeopardy?

It was just announced that an internet search was conducted by Casey Anthony on “foolproof suffocation” on the day her daughter Caylee was allegedly kidnapped by her nanny.  But little Caylee was never kidnapped.  Her body was found six months later in a swamp; duct tape haphazardly placed over her nose and mouth, wrapped around her little head entangling in her hair, according to forensics.  All evidence pointed toward a premeditated murder by her mother. 

Surprisingly the internet search for “foolproof suffocation” was never revealed at the trial.  Somehow, the ball was dropped, allowing Casey Anthony to walk away free of punishment, free of maternal responsibility, and free to live the “beautiful life” she craved so desperately, even tattooing those words in beautifully scripted Italian, on her shoulder during the time her beautiful toddler was wrapped in a garbage bag in a swamp.  Nevertheless, Casey Anthony gained her freedom with a finding of “not guilty”, as well as the right to live her “beautiful life” instead of a lifetime in prison for premeditated murder.  Regardless of this new evidence, Casey Anthony cannot be retried for the murder of her daughter Caylee.  Even if she confessed, she would remain free, as the law states that an individual cannot be tried fro the same crime twice.  It’s called “double jeopardy”.  

It makes me wonder why probate courts are far more lenient in their judgments.  Why would judges accept a motion (a request) that had previously been denied, and “retry” it more than once?  Doesn’t this go against the law of double jeopardy?  And if a judge already ruled on a motion, why would another judge go against that ruling?  Aren’t all judges required to follow the same rules?  Why are judges making decisions that supersede previous judge’s decisions?  These are men and women who call themselves “family judges” yet can be swayed, convinced, bought, or freely show apathy in custody cases, and possibly destroy the family unit. 

Casey Anthony has been exonerated of murder and does not have to worry about another trial.  Yet mothers who have started a new life with their children after leaving their abuser have been dragged back into court on a repeated motion and then lose custody.  Baffling! Why aren’t the same rules applicable in probate court?  Is it because there are too many individuals seeking help so it’s difficult to keep accurate records?  Perhaps a judge may not have the desire to wade through huge piles of documents, or check if the motion has been already presented.  Another reason for repeated motions can be blamed on unethical attorneys who go “judge shopping.”  She files the same motion numerous times in the hopes of getting in front of a new judge in order to get a different answer to her motion.  Attorneys who utilize this tactics are usually hired by batterers, contrary to men who would rather maintain stability in the lives of their children despite a divorce.  To note**Abusive men attempt to get custody more than non-abusers.  It’s a way to maintain control and to punish.  The success rates of the abusers are astonishing – sometimes reaching 90% of the cases.  And these legal victories are without merit.    

Little Caylee Anthony remains an innocent murder victim who will never get justice.  In comparison, the innocent children of acrimonious divorces never experience justice either.  They may be alive, but they are robbed of maternal love.  (This can also be applicable in cases where fathers are victims and denied their children). Why should a mother who murdered her two year old be allowed to walk free?  Why should a mother, victimized by an abusive ex, the judges and an unethical attorney, never walk free, always carrying the weight of  a heart heavy with loss?