I was a good mother. I
cherished my role. Even from the very
beginning my nurturing abilities were instinctive. I nursed my children instead of giving them
formula. I prepared their first meals
with natural ingredients in my food processor.
I took them on daily outings. As
babies and toddlers, they enjoyed weekly playgroups. Their medical and dental care was always
up-to-date. They were always bathed and
dressed in freshly laundered clothing.
There was nothing they lacked, except for paternal interaction.
Their father frequently
proclaimed that because he worked during the day, he should not have to take
care of the children. He considered them
“work”, and announced their activities “boring”. His life centered on his job, getting high
with his friends, spending time on his boat, dalliances with other women and
his drug dealings. His choice of
lifestyle greatly conflicted on my family values. I always believed that family came
first. I always anticipated dinners,
activities and outings with my family.
Instead, I had solitary meals with my children. I had no access to money, so our activities
were limited to my creativity.
Everything in my life was controlled by my husband’s rules and temper. I bore the brunt of his anger, but my sons
were victim as well. They wore the marks
of his beating, and endured the scars of his harsh threats. I was too frightened to call the police, as I
felt it was my fault for my inability to stop his attack on my sons, and feared
he would next turn his anger on my 2 year old daughter, and surely killed
her. I thought I would be punished for his abuse
and lose custody of my children.
Night after night, I would
pray for a way to be rescued. I found my
escape in the form of an inheritance from my great uncle. Having my own money meant freedom, and I eventually
used every penny to leave and hire a divorce attorney. Life without him meant peace. My heart palpitations stopped, as did my
stress. I viewed my lifestyle changes
and going back to work as a small price to pay for being able to breathe
again. I had no anger toward my ex
husband; I merely did not want him as a life partner.
The fact I filed for divorce
meant much more to him than the dissolution of a marriage. Divorce meant he had failed as a husband and
a father. To view it that dramatically
was not unusual for a man who met all the components of narcissistic personality
disorder and antisocial personality disorder.
It is not uncommon for two personality disorders to merge, but when they
do, it makes for an extremely dangerous individual. The narcissistic sociopath believes the world
revolves around him, is concerned with only his needs, feels societal rules do
not apply to him, and has no empathy toward others. Severing a relationship with a narcissistic
sociopath, creates a reaction that is severe and retaliation that is cruel. They are incredulous that someone would leave
someone as wonderful as he believes himself to be, and evokes
the need to prove to the world that she
is actually the crazy person.
Despite his years of
disinterest in the children, he filed for custody. Serving as his accomplice was a woman chosen
solely for her willingness to obey his directions and provide childcare, so he
would not have to alter his lifestyle. Along
with his lawyer who had previous sanctions for unethical practices in custody
cases, he was prepared to implement his punishment to the mother of his
children for ending the marriage.
It seemed impossible that a
judge would actually award custody to this man, yet, by using her unscrupulous
tactics, his attorney was able to find a judge who changed the custody. It did not matter that he had a criminal
record, was a drug dealer, and batterer.
He denied everything – even the submitted pictures of his fingerprints
on my neck after he strangled me; and appallingly he was awarded sole physical
and legal custody.
I was granted liberal
visitation, and did not have to pay child support. Although heartbroken from the unfairness, I
continued to parent successfully, becoming extremely resourceful in juggling my
meager salary to provide a loving lifestyle for my children. I rallied and began to experience many
positive changes. But each happy
occurrence was like a thorn in the side of my ex husband, causing him to
retaliate in some cruel ways, usually to the detriment of the children. He did not allow them to bring clothing or toys
to my home, he stopped their medical and dental care, and he cut off my
daughter’s long hair. Each joyful event
in my life was punctuated with another malicious deed, even a physical attack
when I was pregnant with my new husband’s baby.
But anything he did or said
could not erase my children’s memories of the loving mother that used to tuck
them into bed each night. So, my ex had
to take more drastic steps. He filed false
criminal charges against me, and brought an ex-parte motion into court on my
birthday to halt my visits; resulting in the outcome he desired, lasting more
than four childless years, based on a lie.
During that time, he would show court documents to my children and tell
them, “Your mother did something very bad”, tainting their memories.
After years of fighting the
judicial system, I was reunited with three strangers, who had become teenagers
during the lost years. Although parts of
their memories were unblemished, their father had created doubts. Despite the loving thoughts that may have
sustained them during those vacant years, reservations were thrown into their young
minds creating confusion of what they really remembered.
As we slowly began to
rebuild a relationship, my ex requested we forget the past and start fresh. Agreeing for the sake of the children, I
should have realized that he had not changed.
He still viewed each positive change in my life as a dagger of his own
defeat. The more the children enjoyed
time with me and their younger sister became the trigger my ex needed to build
upon the chain of maternal negativity he had been creating for years. And this time it had to be final.
He used every method of
negating anything I did for them, as well as taunting them that I only cared
about my youngest daughter and spent all my money on her without revealing she
received monthly stipends from her late father.
One by one, they broke off communication with me. They would never reveal why they were doing
so. Any calls, letters or e-mails were
ignored. My final attempt was an e-mail I
sent informing them that their only biological grandparent had passed
away. My sons ignored the news, but my
older daughter, who had once written a note to me in crayon stating she wanted
to live with me every day of the week and not just weekends, sent a cruel
message indicating that she did not feel it was important to go to her
grandmother’s funeral because the relationship she had with her “wasn’t
pleasant”. Despite my attempt to inform
her that attending a funeral was to support the living, her responses were
bitter, unbending, and gloating of her “wonderful life” with her father.
I can only feel pity for
three children whose memories have been replaced by bogus horror stories fed to
them since childhood. I can feel sadness
that they have been raised by someone seeking vengeance rather than offering
love. My ex has not changed his
ways. His lifestyle still revolves
around himself and his desires. In
contrast, my youngest daughter has enjoyed the benefits of being raised with
unselfish love. She attended private
school, summer camp and has traveled to Israel
In predicting the future of my alienated children, I fear they will be faced with a myriad of problems and obstacles. From behaviors I have witnessed, I see years of counseling. Should they choose to seek answers, it will mean looking at themselves and their past, something that many people are too frightened to learn. Maybe they will then turn to me for answers. I hope that the truth will bring some clarity to them and dredge up the memories of the mother who cared for them, and the father who was seldom there. I hope they will come to their own conclusions; for if they chose to alienate their father, it will be of their own decision, and desire to erase the demon of their past.
