Domestic violence is a term heard too often in today's society. Some people still believe they can determine a victim by the bruises on her body. But there is so much more a victim endures. Domestic violence actually can begin with what could be considered control. Sometimes one can confuse control with caring.
Years ago, when I was in college, a group of girls went out. One of the girls in the group had a boyfriend named Michael. She was worried as Michael did not like her to go out. On the drive back to the campus, she expressed her concerns that Michael had called and she wasn’t there. She kept saying, “Michael is going to kill me.” At the time, it sounded so sophisticated, that she was in a relationship with someone who was seemingly so in love with her, he did not want her going out. When we returned to the campus, Michael was there, in his car waiting for her. Wow! We were young, and most of us had not experienced that intense love; and truth be told, we were a little jealous. We were also extremely naïve.
Years later, I too had my own boyfriend. We went out to a nightclub. When I had to use the restroom, he escorted me there and waited. I thought his concern I was safe so was nice. He would interrupt if any man tried to have a conversation with me. Awe…he wanted me all to himself. He told me I could wear certain boots ONLY when I was with him. He was so protective. He told me my wedding gown was too low. Wait a minute….I looked beautiful….. He checked my outfit every morning before I went to work….This was silly…He ripped me dress off as he felt was too provocative…There was nothing revealing about that dress – it was from Saks Fifth Avenue for God’s sake! He threw me outside in my underwear if I didn’t close the shades….WTF! I wasn’t standing in front of the window. He checked the phone records to see who I spoke to when he wasn’t there….wait a minute – isn’t he conversing with ex-girlfriends? And on and on until it escalated into controlling of everything, including money – I had no access to cash, credit cards, checking account, bank account, isolation, physical abuse, sexual abuse……And I didn’t know I was a victim of domestic violence until the day I was at the library and saw these 2 charts – one showing he exact pattern, which I would subconsciously think when things were good – waiting for the next explosion….however I didn’t know it was a cycle of abuse.
This same pattern occurs in teenage relationships. It’s so easy to mistake this sense of concern with great love, when it’s really the seedlings of abuse. If you see this pattern, leave the relationship. If you know someone experiencing this, share this information. Call the domestic violence hotline. Make an escape plan. The police have cell phones you can use if (s)he checks your phone.
Recently, I said to someone, “I don’t know what I am going to do tonight.” He told me, “You can do whatever you want.” What an awesome feeling to be able to make your own decisions without someone controlling your every move! Personal freedom is your constitutional right! Speak out against domestic violence!
Fearful whispers are gone as survivors of domestic violence bravely let their voices resonate, encouraging others to fearlessly shed their status of victim, and stand as survivors. Sing out against family court injustices that won’t provide a safe haven for victims or their children! Don’t hide from your abusers! Point out unethical attorneys, denounce those not qualified to judge, identify those on misguided journeys and demand judicial justice with boldness, conviction, and without whispering.
Friday, October 26, 2018
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
And 30 years later...
It was 30 years ago, Tuesday, September 7th at 2:34 PM. He came into this world via an emergency C-section, 3 days after labor began, and was greeted by the medical team and his mom, as his father had been restricted from the operating room when he returned to the hospital from his 4-hour break to eat lunch and smoke a joint. Later, it was no surprise the mother was caring for her baby alone. They took walks long walks every day. They joined a group for new mothers and their newborns, and later formed a playgroup where friendships were formed, - all of which the father mocked. The mother and son were very close, and as the years went on, the little boy would notice his father was barely home. Some days, the father came home from work early, just to pick up his boat and rush out to meet his friends. His son’s delight would turn to disappointed tears as he cried out to go too, but his father would never take him. The mother bore the scars neglect, and more, so she filed for divorce, which angered the father and he swore she would “be sorry”. He retaliated by taking their son to live with the woman he had been having an affair with, yet that opened his young eyes to the realization of how his father treated others, including him. He was not allowed to know his own phone number, because his father didn’t want his mother calling, and fabricated a reason in court. He was carefully watched by the woman’s young daughters so he couldn’t sneak off and call his mother. His father refused to get addresses for his 10th birthday party because it was his mother’s home, - but she was very resourceful, and managed to distribute invitations to the party. Although the son begged for more time with the mother, the father claimed they had “things to do”, although his son knew he lied. The son would whisper to the mother, “You’re much nicer than dad.” It was simply because the mother loved her son more than herself, and she put his needs before her own, and her ex-husband did not. The father knew he could never compete with the mother as a parent, so he began to tell his son horrible things about his mother. He filed false criminal charges, and showed the son unethical and fabricated court documents. He told the son the mother only cared about her new baby, and not about him. He called his son “gay” because he didn’t have a girlfriend. When he found a girlfriend, and got her pregnant, he said his father’s “gay” remarks were jokes, and then refused to allow his mother to see her grandson, stating he was afraid she would hurt him – an outrageous allegation as the mother had never been accused of any kind of physical punishment, while the father actually admitted to beating his son until he was black and blue. The son was lied to every day for the rest of his life until today, his 30th birthday. I am his mother, but he is no longer my son. He is a stranger who recently conveyed his wish for my death. He is a damaged young man who has been programmed by a monster. He has been transformed from a sweet, loving boy to a cruel man devoted to the one who reinvented him. I am no longer proud of him, as I am ashamed of what he’s become, yet I grieve for the gentle child I once knew. So, happy birthday, my son. And when you blow out the candles, close your eyes, and make your wish. You can wish for my death, or you can wish for the truth.
Sunday, June 17, 2018
SOMETHING TO PONDER ON FATHER'S DAY
Who
should receive Happy Father’s Day wishes?
Should
the man who poisons his children’s minds with evil stories about their mother
be the recipient of happy Father’s Day wishes?
Should the man who encourages no contact with the mother be touted as a good father?
Should the man who utilized hostile aggressive parenting be celebrated as a father?
Should the man who filed false criminal charges against the mother of his children be looked upon as anything more than an evil sociopath?
You, dear readers, be the judge. Should the innocent victims – the children –be encouraged to honor the parent who dishonored the other parent (man or woman)? Surely the general consensus on this will emphatically be “absolutely not!” So, on this Father’s Day, let us extend wishes to those who are deserving:
Happy Father’s Day to the men who are more than just a genetic contributor.
Happy Father’s Day to the men who put their children first.
Happy Father’s Day to the men who respect the mother of their children, regardless of marital status.
And Happy Father’s Day to the wonderful women who have taken on both roles.
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